Is It All In My Head?

It’s been over a week since my last blog.  Here’s the problem I dealt with all that time.  I want to make every one of my blogs worth reading.  I want them to be long enough and interesting enough to make it worth your valuable time.  I want them to be well written.  I want them to flow.  I want to cover singular ideas in my own unique style.  Unfortunately, I spent the previous week starting and scrapping idea after idea.  So, rather than trying to make this blog any of those things I mentioned above, it will, instead, be random thoughts and occurrences that individually are not good enough for the blog, but hopefully will be, when working together as a cohesive unit.

 

One day, I was out with my dog, Murray.  We were just taking a leisurely stroll down the sidewalk.  I heard a car coming up behind us.  We continued to walk, minding our own business.  The car slows down to a crawl.  It was maybe travelling six miles an hour as it passed by us.  Now, I get what they were trying to do.  I guess they were trying to be considerate, passing by us so slow.  But come on.  My dog is on a leash, and he’s not getting away from me.  I’m not stupid enough to let him get hit by a car.  Needless to say1, I was insulted because by driving so slow, he was basically calling me an idiot.

 

I remembered a joke I just made up.  Stop me if you’ve heard it.  Two film critics walk out of the preview screening of a new movie.  One thinks it was a very well made film, and the other thinks it was a terribly made film.  In doing so, they completely invalidate their own profession…  Okay, maybe “joke” wasn’t exactly accurate.

 

I love television.  I really do.  For years, I completely ignored it and concentrated solely on film, thinking it was the superior medium.  And while I do believe the best writers are now working in television, one thing will always, at least in my mind, make films better.  No laugh track.  I honestly don’t understand the point of them.  The worst part is when the “audience” laughs at jokes that aren’t even funny.  It just makes me question their intelligence.  I’m sure the laugh track is there in some cases, so the audience at home will be more inclined to laugh along.  You know what?  I’ll decide on my own what I think is funny.  And I won’t be bullied into laughing by a bunch of slap-happy studio audience members.  Besides, dramas don’t have a sob track.  When something sad happens on “Grey’s Anatomy,” you don’t hear a bunch of people crying.  Right?  I’m actually not sure.  I don’t watch “Grey’s Anatomy.”

 

You give a man a fish, and he eats for a day.  You teach a man to fish, and in about a month and a half, he’s dead from mercury poisoning.  And you killed him.  You killed him.

 

The other day2, I was out driving.  I slowed to a stop at a red light in the left turn only lane.  I was sitting there, staring intently at the light, focusing all my energy on making it turn green.  Once I got my green arrow, I turned.  After driving about half a block, I saw the red and blue lights of a police officer pulling me over.  What could I have done?  I was stopped at a red light and turned left at the green arrow.  The officer walked up and explained to me that she had pulled me over because I did not turn on my turn signal when turning left.  How ridiculous is that?  I was in the left turn only lane, stopped at a red light.  I understand that turn signals are a courtesy to the other drivers, so they know what you’re doing.  But come on!  It was a left turn only lane.  Did my left turn from this lane surprise anyone?  Now, I can’t give her too much flack.  She’s just doing her job.  In fact, I hear they caught Al Capone the same way3.

 

Do you ever notice in cop shows how the forensic team refers to a gun-shot wound as a “GSW?”  Why do they do that?  I get it.  GSW are the initials and the short form of writing gun-shot wound.  However, gun-shot wound has two less syllables than GSW.  So why would anyone ever speak it?

 

One day, I was out with my dog, Murray.  We were just taking a leisurely stroll down the sidewalk.  Then out of nowhere a car goes flying by us.  I thought to myself, “Unbelievable!  What if Murray had gotten away from me?  There is no way this guy could have slowed down in time.  What a jerk.”

 

I’ve often pondered the meaning of life.  For me, the discussion comes down to one fundamental question.  Does each tiny decision we make affect our path or does each of us have a place we are destined to end up?  It’s such an interesting question.  Fate or no fate4.  I, like everyone else, have no idea, but I do take precautions.  Recently, I’ve started overanalyzing and researching all sides of even the most insignificant decisions I have to make in order to determine what kind of lasting effect it could have on my life, just in case there is no fate.  Then I pick a side at random, in case there is.

 

  1. If something truly is “needless to say,” then why do we say it?  More importantly, if what we’re saying is needless to say, surely the phrase “needless to say” is even more needless to say.  Awesome.
  2. It was actually months ago, but it sounds much more relevant and folksy by saying “the other day.”
  3. You know what they found in his glove compartment?  Road maps!
  4. We certainly know what Sarah Connor would argue.

 

Thank you for reading.  For those of you who enjoyed it, I can’t wait to hear your comments below.  For those of you who didn’t, please let me know by emailing me at is_this_joke_still_funny@gmail.com.

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3 Comments on “Is It All In My Head?”

  1. womanhater7 Says:

    It is exciting to be the first to comment.

    Let me say I enjoyed your latest blog. Needless to say it seems clear that you should not think too much when walking your dog and perhaps think a little more when changing direction.

  2. Joel Says:

    I hope that you didn’t get a ticket for the left turn. I suppose in some cases it might be a screening process to make sure drivers have their documentation (insurance and license) in place and such. Or maybe she thought you looked suspicious and wanted to make sure that you didn’t have a loaded shotgun in the passenger seat and a roll-up rug in your trunk. What’s the deal rolled up rug? People are always so apprehensive and sneaky when the are transporting them.

    Great blog!

  3. rachel draper Says:

    i cry at every grey’s anatomy episode. you don’t need a sob track when you have the mellow tunes of imogen heap, snow patrol, and others (i’m bad at names of artists or songs – basically because i couldn’t care less – however, i know if the song has been on grey’s anatomy as soon as i hear it anywhere – just ask my husband – he doesn’t even watch grey’s and he can identify them too.)

    eme misses murray.


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