Josh Branyan: Son, Brother, Friend, Husband… Father??

(I also considered this for the title of my boring autobiography or for my tombstone)

I’m writing the inaugural blog with a pretty important announcement, but I’ll get to that in a bit.  First off, I’d like to welcome all the readers1.  Welcome!  I’ve been thinking about starting a blog for a long time, but sadly, my life is somewhat uninteresting.  I have always been of the opinion that my initial blog should concern something completely life-changing and monumental2.  I mean, there are things in my life worth writing about.  I’m married which at times provides material that could be blog-worthy.  For instance, one evening, my wife, Julie, was craving tuna casserole.  She went out and bought all the ingredients, came home and cooked it, only to realize after it was done, she had forgotten to include the tuna.  She had cooked noodles and peas topped with breadcrumbs and parmesan cheese.  Yum.  Also, we live in Omaha, Nebraska, which could provide an endless comedic goldmine of jokes about cornhuskers.  I mean, come on.  It’s a funny word.  We have a dog, Murray, whose antics are often times hilarious.  But how many times have you heard a story about someone else’s pet that inevitably ends with the phrase, “I guess you had to be there”?  People often don’t realize that their pets are only interesting to them.  The same can be said of children as well.

I will no doubt eventually get to those topics.  But as I said, for this first blog, I wanted to talk about something huge.

So, here goes.  Concerning the title of this blog, I’m sure everyone is asking the same question.  “Why, Josh, did you put those words in that order?”  That’s what you were thinking, wasn’t it?  Well, quite obviously, they are in chronological order.  First, I was a son, then a brother, friend, husband and so on…“But Josh,” you’re thinking, “weren’t you both a son and a brother the instant you were born, since your brother is older than you?”  Ah, an excellent point, dear reader, but consider this.  With or without, my charming older brother Jamie, I still would have been a son.  Therefore, I believe that should come first.

(I’d like to take this time to thank everyone for wading through the first four hundred plus words in order to get to this, the actual crux of the blog.  Well done!  I hate to think how many I lost along the way.)

Perhaps there are those readers out there concerned only with the last word of the title of this blog.  I have for a long time put serious thought into the idea of becoming a father.  What would it mean to me?  What kind of father would I be?  Am I ready for that kind of responsibility?

What would it mean to me?  I have wanted to be a father since the moment I knew I would spend the rest of my life with Julie.  If you don’t know us, you’ll just have to take my word when I say, we are awesome.  The idea of the two of us putting our combined awesome into one human being is – let’s just say, I would feel sorry for everyone else in the world because no one would measure up.  That’s not arrogance, just a fact.  Look it up3.

What kind of father would I be?  In three words, probably pretty good.  I have a great set of examples to follow.  My own father, my brother, and a couple of my friends all have incredible fatherly qualities that I hope to incorporate.

Am I ready for that kind of responsibility?  You know, it’s funny.  This was the question that always scared me the most.  I think maybe I’m too young at 26.  But then I think about my friends who are all younger than me, but have kids.  Then I think about my brother who had his first little girl (Hi Maris!) at 30.  And I think about my dad who was 31 when Jamie was born.  And it makes me wonder if anyone, no matter what their age, is ever ready for that kind of responsibility.  I think it’s more of a “rise to the challenge” kind of situation.  Julie and I got a dog (the aforementioned Murray) at the end of August.  I know a dog is in no way an equal representation of the kind of responsibilities that come with having a child.  However, in these last two and a half months, I have come to a life-changing and monumental conclusion.  I am in no way whatsoever ready to have a child.

I love Murray.  He is a great dog, but his bark, while rare, is one of the most grating sounds I’ve ever heard.  He doesn’t know how to do anything.  It’s disgusting picking up his poop in a plastic bag.

I have no doubt that if I did have a child I would love him/her.  But I could not take the crying.  Dogs can walk when they are like two days old, why does it take a baby so freakin’ long to learn how to crawl?  I’m pretty sure if the baby gets too annoying I can’t just stick him/her in a cage and go out for a couple hours.  Seeing a movie in the theater is still too important.  And I’m sorry, but wiping someone else’s butt is still the grossest thing I can think of.  If this sounds immature, well, I guess that’s my point.  I am still way too immature for a kid, but at least I’m aware of it.  That’s something, right?

  1. This, of course, is an assumption that there is more than one reader.
  2. Every good tv pilot has the main characters go through a life-changing event.  Be it a plane crash on a mysterious island, regular people waking up one day with extraordinary powers, or a hot neighbor moving in next door.
  3. For reference, please reread this blog.

What did you think of the first blog?  If you have any positive comments, please feel free to leave them below.  If you have any negative comments, please email me at i_will_not_read_these@gmail.com. Thanks for reading.  Check back periodically.  I hope to write three per week, with one of the three pertaining to either a movie or tv show.  Exciting, eh?  Also, the aesthetic of this blog will improve over time.  For now, it’s boring.

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7 Comments on “Josh Branyan: Son, Brother, Friend, Husband… Father??”

  1. John Branyan Says:

    Josh,

    Well done. But I need to point out one potential glitch in your otherwise flawless logic.

    Two awesome people still have a chance of producing a less-than-awesome offspring. It has to do with genetics. While the awesome parents are not directly responsible for the child’s lessened state of awesomeness, they will be the one’s enduring the consequences.

    My wife and I are relatively intelligent, well adjusted human beings It might be a stretch to say we’re awesome but we’re not completely unimpressive. Even with our relatively stable gene pool, we gave birth to children that performed all sorts of brainless acts including:

    1) Wearing shorts to school in sub-zero weather.
    2) Eating dinners consisting of nothing but cheese.
    3) Jumping out of the attic window.
    4) Chewing the dog’s tail.
    5) …and one of my sons used that device for shaving the burrs off of linens on his tongue.

    Just something to consider as you ponder fatherhood.

  2. womanhater7 Says:

    My belief is that Branyan men are not properly designed to be fathers in the 21st century. I think this results from being Irish where fathers mainly drink dark beer and eat potatoes. The problem in America is that most women do not properly appreciate those qualities as the only responsibilities of the male animal. If men were supposed to take care of children they would be able to feed them with their own bodily produced fluids.

  3. rachel draper Says:

    love it 🙂 i laughed out loud at one part but can’t remember what it was – and your blog was so long i don’t want to read it again to figure it out…
    hi murray 🙂 eme misses you and your whimpy girl bark.

  4. Mark Says:

    I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Kids are dumb, and we need less of them around. Good for you, Josh! Hold out on this one for as long as you can!

    In all seriousness, though, I think you’re right about no one ever feeling completely ready to have children. But I also think that a couple’s preparedness for the responsibility should be no less than 70% before they start popping kids out (because I have to quantify everything). Way back when I was teaching, I would see examples all the time of families who not only weren’t anywhere near ready to have their children be born, but also weren’t prepared to continue raising said children, you know, fifteen years later. Which is sad.

    The truth of the the matter is that, once you have that first child, your own identity will change. All of a sudden you won’t be Josh the Awesome-Guy-That-Everyone-Wants-to-Hang-Out-With, or Josh the Mountain-of-Movie-Knowledge-Guy, or even Josh the Husband-of-Julie. You’ll be Josh the Father. And for the rest of your life, that will be be what you need to be. For some fellas (hopefully those who are already fathers), this is a wonderful thing and rewarding thing. But if you don’t feel ready for that, then please take some more time for yourself, and for your wife!

    Keep us posted! (Is that a pun? Is that witty? I’m going to say it’s witty!) Use Facebook to let all the awesome people who read your awesome blog know when it’s updated, because no one actually checks blogs regularly unless they’re prompted to!

  5. Joel Says:

    Very well, done, Josh! I look forward to reading more in the future. Also, I hope there was nothing interesting past the part explaining the order of the words in the title. Honestly, I couldn’t handle anymore excitement at that point.

    Also, although I enjoyed most of the blog, please carefully consider my concerns and suggestions in the message that I sent to that conveniently set up email for negative comments. I know that is a long list, but I think it will help you get started in this crazy world of blogging (of which I have no experience, only awesome suggestions).

    Again, well done!


  6. I’m so proud of you for starting your blog. You are an amazing writer and I’m glad you can share your talent with the interweb. I love you more and more everyday.
    Also we are awesome and thanks for calling me out on my cooking skills.


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